My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 147Please respect copyright.PENANAKtvmXPpZYj
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"147Please respect copyright.PENANA34Q7zYLG6y
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)147Please respect copyright.PENANAXapqwJWicR
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."147Please respect copyright.PENANATJSuclIvWQ
Hmm... 147Please respect copyright.PENANAgNzQLL88YF
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 147Please respect copyright.PENANAyzEDK3855B
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 147Please respect copyright.PENANA0sUgxC97Sl
"You can have have all the adult toys."147Please respect copyright.PENANAvHl5kXw3nL
Except for the pecker enhancer!147Please respect copyright.PENANA5jLzl6H8CI
"That's all I need..."147Please respect copyright.PENANAal2Bt0QjOw
"Wait!"147Please respect copyright.PENANAaqfHKIhhWU
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?147Please respect copyright.PENANAfT017jFeAq
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 147Please respect copyright.PENANAEYBaYTQcJq
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 147Please respect copyright.PENANAgdRCKExJsq
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)147Please respect copyright.PENANAuUubBW2FGY
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"147Please respect copyright.PENANAgSPhu0hTtM
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"147Please respect copyright.PENANALfyxFs0eE0
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!147Please respect copyright.PENANAKJ7C6o1brK
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?147Please respect copyright.PENANAqJV0EjcR8G
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!147Please respect copyright.PENANAS1biBYu5Se
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 147Please respect copyright.PENANA6mH6keBRBS
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...147Please respect copyright.PENANAqLbsYGVNCW
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...147Please respect copyright.PENANAS2BEinlAhD
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you147Please respect copyright.PENANA8Dvc1UKohf
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.147Please respect copyright.PENANA39a0K6pyvR
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.147Please respect copyright.PENANApydFQcpzxQ
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"147Please respect copyright.PENANAChJrVjH84G
(Sarah laughs)147Please respect copyright.PENANA6FIKuBGiAQ
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."147Please respect copyright.PENANAwu98CShSVQ
"Gosh Darn!"147Please respect copyright.PENANAdWpPwS7pUA
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...147Please respect copyright.PENANAkP5woKH7AE
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 147Please respect copyright.PENANAxBeEeBB2q4
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)147Please respect copyright.PENANAWsXeeo3Ctm
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"147Please respect copyright.PENANAEfOcmjacDU
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 147Please respect copyright.PENANAc2kgm77Tiw
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."147Please respect copyright.PENANADwtjF3ciNK
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 147Please respect copyright.PENANAeRRskBdUX5
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.147Please respect copyright.PENANAwns4aNATVi
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...147Please respect copyright.PENANAVLyC9Js7TG
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"147Please respect copyright.PENANAGSOOjqGwAB
(Sarah says what)147Please respect copyright.PENANAWM8T1cj0Qt
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."147Please respect copyright.PENANA3hP1qEaZ2e
(he laughs and Sarah winks)147Please respect copyright.PENANALE1rIWPGYu
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 147Please respect copyright.PENANAXq9ynDXfqT
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 147Please respect copyright.PENANAiZN88ujlz8
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"147Please respect copyright.PENANApB8dXHB0P2
(Keith laughs hard)147Please respect copyright.PENANAmZhtmdu2LG
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"147Please respect copyright.PENANAFp03oKRT9J
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.147Please respect copyright.PENANASHlAlRA00s
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)147Please respect copyright.PENANA8eUhfrRQMt
Honey,147Please respect copyright.PENANAmDR9RE8R1L
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 147Please respect copyright.PENANA4rexOis9QR
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?147Please respect copyright.PENANAhg1AmPjrBO
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!147Please respect copyright.PENANATMWzSzc6v9
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)147Please respect copyright.PENANAsDMttmG5vH
Keith says,147Please respect copyright.PENANAT7kn8C4sWZ
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?147Please respect copyright.PENANARJinQ7my2q
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."147Please respect copyright.PENANA0mQcUBM5ny
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)147Please respect copyright.PENANA5R01hUmlUa
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 147Please respect copyright.PENANAWkUN0TEd4x
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"147Please respect copyright.PENANAB4YGBhY2DA
"Ground beef!"147Please respect copyright.PENANA5awW9HjHCb
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.147Please respect copyright.PENANAPzvX5nB0Ju
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 147Please respect copyright.PENANAbs2ggJg6XI
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 147Please respect copyright.PENANA4OPXbdYTcv
Lawsuits.147Please respect copyright.PENANA7DZV3GoTBB
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.147Please respect copyright.PENANAojEEp5UY1F
Keith's friends knew him as the 147Please respect copyright.PENANAR2MJdm9Aqa
Clown Jester of Bakersville.147Please respect copyright.PENANAIUq0NXyDOb
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 147Please respect copyright.PENANASH47BzC4sk
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"147Please respect copyright.PENANAUXWvw0qQ6M
Because he was so outstanding in his field!147Please respect copyright.PENANA9pBhaCz5Mp
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.147Please respect copyright.PENANAM7hcY8rQag
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.147Please respect copyright.PENANAptprMytk7V
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 147Please respect copyright.PENANAk0GC8QsOyQ
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.147Please respect copyright.PENANABCa0qrUuZ9
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"147Please respect copyright.PENANAoIhJxblmBS
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.147Please respect copyright.PENANA7lF47Tp5Ei
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.147Please respect copyright.PENANAKtWeFQdxRc
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 147Please respect copyright.PENANASM4bsMqtsT
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.147Please respect copyright.PENANAKwVlfda7jm
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 147Please respect copyright.PENANAAky0t1JuGq
Having heard them all before, many times.147Please respect copyright.PENANA3hVmOc4CWZ
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.147Please respect copyright.PENANAkkoKNeJtnb
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 147Please respect copyright.PENANAZTYD7KZikB
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.147Please respect copyright.PENANADavOkJpgtj
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 147Please respect copyright.PENANAmCLhRqFVzB
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.147Please respect copyright.PENANAdoOMD9WbgQ
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.147Please respect copyright.PENANAZBoFAgN1O2
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.147Please respect copyright.PENANAS9bmFRMRr7
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.147Please respect copyright.PENANAFceilTCFZi
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.147Please respect copyright.PENANA629Pa0IxLd
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.147Please respect copyright.PENANAFyUJ3GCKfc
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.147Please respect copyright.PENANAFD4PCrw8nf
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.147Please respect copyright.PENANA5Fjq1E9Prl
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.147Please respect copyright.PENANAZPmd1imHTq
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)147Please respect copyright.PENANAPf3rgztNts
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!147Please respect copyright.PENANAFw0la7clZl
(audience chuckles)147Please respect copyright.PENANAcejkNeFFur
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."147Please respect copyright.PENANA4BS72yMG36
I haven't heard from him since.147Please respect copyright.PENANAO80AlTuDc9
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."147Please respect copyright.PENANA61w0nx3W4T
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.147Please respect copyright.PENANA2Ae814U77F
(audience laughing)147Please respect copyright.PENANA9WofchltDQ
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 147Please respect copyright.PENANAZe47OGCkBU
She still isn't talking to me.147Please respect copyright.PENANAF4AnT7EYro
(Keith smiles)147Please respect copyright.PENANAsKW6BRyKQg
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'147Please respect copyright.PENANAXWlLAZECFU
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 147Please respect copyright.PENANADA0XeiaAOv
but I am on the fence!147Please respect copyright.PENANA45JCLqEtKv
(audience laughing hard)147Please respect copyright.PENANAp3hKVHAwng
[He gets on a roll]147Please respect copyright.PENANADXohwQM4Kf
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 147Please respect copyright.PENANA6kfIaWwnet
She gave me a hug!147Please respect copyright.PENANAL0414tKDJu
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."147Please respect copyright.PENANAbjnA5qfW89
Hey!147Please respect copyright.PENANAK0drwy8500
What is the worst combination of illnesses?147Please respect copyright.PENANAy1gLtfwMyE
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."147Please respect copyright.PENANAxibvsNhH4M
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"147Please respect copyright.PENANADGVBM4HF3Y
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"147Please respect copyright.PENANAiaOR473oQe
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."147Please respect copyright.PENANA8bgyMep9zy
How do you get a squirrel to like you?147Please respect copyright.PENANAiHWTl7h05T
Act like a nut.147Please respect copyright.PENANA73ilp5nBxD
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.147Please respect copyright.PENANAsHNkwpEmiM
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.147Please respect copyright.PENANAJgFrnB2tPq
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.147Please respect copyright.PENANAWTcUU023J6
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 147Please respect copyright.PENANAwWhBmwNcIE
So I Left.147Please respect copyright.PENANATessDsgLoN
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.147Please respect copyright.PENANACoCMffnxNZ
"The steaks were pretty high!"147Please respect copyright.PENANA6M0KL3mpc0
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."147Please respect copyright.PENANA4YyKB41Hc7
Goodnight!"147Please respect copyright.PENANABshsfxDvcv
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)147Please respect copyright.PENANAu4fdAUNZyB
He went home happier147Please respect copyright.PENANAELWoxevb9R
than he ever
Dreamed!147Please respect copyright.PENANAWE8JcPYZyj
147Please respect copyright.PENANAr3A6qZlsfw
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.70.131.157da2